"But I Have to Provide" - The Provider Trap That's Destroying Families
When more money means less family
"I have to provide for my family."
I've heard this justification a thousand times, from men working 70-hour weeks, missing family dinners, and skipping their kids' games. It sounds noble. It feels responsible.
But here's the question that changed everything for me: What am I trying to build, and who am I building it for?
If I'm trying to provide the best life for my family, that can't be purely financial. It has to come from understanding exactly what my family actually needs. What does my wife need from me? What do my kids need?
This certainly varies from family to family. And here's the thing: you won’t get this right from the start because you don't really know your spouse when you first get married, and your kids’ needs will change drastically as they age as well. It takes time to understand what they truly need from you.
If I focus solely on providing financially, I'm not providing for them relationally. Then one day when I want them to listen to me and respect me, I won't get that because I've made no investments in them in that way.
The worldly view says what your family needs is access to more, better houses, better schools, and better vacations, which usually comes at a monetary cost. What they really need is access to you. And we should make decisions that reinforce that ability.
When I choose my family, I'm better supported by them and I feel fulfilled in what I'm achieving. It gives me purpose. There's no end to seeking purpose in a career; even those who rose to the top of the corporate ladder find themselves unfulfilled.
I'm not saying money doesn't matter. Bills are real. But over-providing financially while under-providing relationally is a trap that destroys families from the inside out.
Your family doesn't need you to be the richest dad in the neighborhood. They need you to be present, engaged, and invested in their lives.
The question isn't "How much can I provide?" It's "What do they actually need from me, and am I giving it to them?"
What would your family say they need most from you right now?